Nothing Much, but Thanks A Lot
My brain is on pause, but somethings have been scratching an itch. Particularly the following songs:
Inbetween Days by The Cure
Out and on My Own by Sophisticated Boom Boom
Tears for Affairs by Camera Obscura
Kokomo by The Beach Boys
Love Is a Jungle by Peter Ivers
Crawl Babies by The Pastels
Eine Symphonie Des Grauens by The Monochrome Set
It is hard to combat the clogged drain that is my creativity at the moment. It is hard because I have not found myself in a mood to be involved in anything. I have not been feeling social, inspired, hungry. I feel past boredom just like I am pantomiming responsibilities.
It has nothing to do with anything, while also maybe having to do something with grief. Grieving people who are no more and grieving life I already lived out. I recognize that while I may be at odds with my current state of affairs things will get worse or more complicated or even better. I know I will eventually fondly look back on these days, but that is then not now.
It is finally starting to get cold and thanksgiving is thursday. I suppose I am thankful for everything, the good the bad the ugly and the turkey.
I am thankful that I get to wake up and breathe and rollover in my bed. I am thankful that I can call people when I am bored, sad, or up to something. I am thankful where I live and that I have more than I need.
***
(something I wrote this week that I thought I would include)
The words “lost someone” as they are applied to instances when someone has died, have been taking up residency in my mind. To me losing something implies a searching. In the case of having lost someone to death I imagine you look for them constantly.
A lot of the grief I have experienced lies in the in between moments of remembering and forgetting. The remembering is either crystal clear or hazy impressionist renditions of how someone made you feel. I feel funny missing how someone made me feel because it is a self absorbed warped version of a person. It is not missing how someone licked the glue on an envelope or how someone pronounced excuse me like ‘scuse me.’
I greatly miss my grandfather because this time of year we would always make an obscene amount of pie dough and he would make old fashions. I miss how he patiently listened and how he played the piano. I miss his hugs and his advice because it made me feel better and I feel worse now without them.
Although my Grandfather is dead I suppose losing someone can also happen regardless of death. You can lose people due to moves, marriages, and break ups, things that all create people who once were and someone else after the fact. And regardless how you miss someone you will continue to look for them high and low in reflections cast onto other people or places they always were.
